this is going to sting a little.

that's what she said. that's was the nurse said each time before she stuck me with needles this morning.

"this is going to sting a little. big stick." ... jab.
"this is going to sting a little. big stick." ... jab.
"this is going to sting a little. big stick." ... jab.
"this is going to sting a little. big stick." ... jab.

she was right. it stung a little. not the shots themselves, but the dose of reality that came along with them. the reality that i'm traveling thousands of miles by myself to a place where i know no one; to a place stricken with disease (of which i better be highly guarded from), war, poverty and hopelessness. that i have no real idea what i will be doing other than "working at a school." that the transition at my job will not be a smooth one. that i have so much to do and so little time to do it. that i still haven't reached my fundraising goal and that it breaks my heart that i honestly do not have faith that God will provide. that my family will have to make financial sacrifices because i didn't plan properly. that i'm second guessing this whole thing as another one of my quick decisions and that this is beyond God's control. that when the doctor asked me why i was going to uganda, my initial thought was, "i ... don't ... know."

as the day progressed, things --including my arms-- became heavy and numb. heavy and numb. (especially after my stop at the cashier's desk on the way out. if only she had given me the same warning ... "this is going to sting a little" ... jab.) so heavy that i want to lay this burden down and forget about it. forget the whole thing. so that's what i'm doing right now this very minute. laying this burden down. i can't carry it. doctor trotta assured me that my arms would be sore soon after the immunizations. his instructions? keep moving.

when they're painful ... keep moving.
when they feel heavy ... keep moving.
when they're tired ... keep moving.
when you're frustrated with them ... keep moving.

forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, i press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. - philippians 3:13-14

thursday mantra

mantra: a commonly REPEATED word or phrase

i know i'm supposed to be on blog hiatus, but i needed this reminder today ...

Psalm 121
I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?

My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.


(bring the rain - mercyme ... odd venue, rad song)

i'm fifty!

(and i like to kick and bend and stretch ... sorry, couldn't resist.)

so, it's quite obvious that i don't do a great deal of blogging on this piece. i love to write, but i'm not real big on writing about myself just to hear myself ... err, type. under the radar, that's my motto. with the upcoming holidays, physically preparing for my trip, preparing my co-workers and temp for my absence (AHH!), and making time to visit with my friends and family, i probably won't be doing much around here until i actually leave. besides, the intention of this blah is to use while i am in uganda, which i promise i will. mom.

tomorrow is somewhat of a mile marker ... i leave for africa in fifty days. yeah, fifty. what a small number when looking at it as the time between now and the biggest experience of my life thus. i have said all along that this process of preparing for rafiki as had quite an effect on me already. there's an unrecognizable boldness i've discovered that i think is going to be a heavily-relied on tool in my near future. and if for some strange reason, i never actually make it to africa, i am grateful to God for the remodel already taking place in my heart and in my mind. afterall, me going to africa is not really about "me going to africa" .......

it's amazing what can happen when God's timing and our earthly timing intersect ... a kairos moment, if you will.

i am impressed by the words of Nate Saint:

if God would grant us the wisdom, the word sacrifice would disappear from our lips and thoughts; we would hate the things that seem now so dear to us; our lives would suddenly be too short; we would despise time-robbing distractions and charge the enemy with all our energies in the name of Christ.

makin' love outta nothin' at all

my foot hurts. i've received several "top priority" projects at work ... at the same time. i'm tired and my eyes are itchy, which usually means a cold is coming soon. i owe college foundation eleventy billion dollars. there's a smell in my car i can't figure out the origin of. my free trial anti-virus software is about to expire. i can't find my rainbows. i miss my friend. i missed lunch. i misspoke. i lost my willy wonka sunglasses, and i'm not even close to where i should be in my fundraising for uganda.

woe is me, right?

sometimes random songs pop in my head. okay, most of the time random songs pop in my head. the other day i was brushing my teeth and i starting singing air supply. you know the one ... but i don't know how to leave you and i'll never let you fall and i don't know how you do it making love out of nothing at all. and while i'm sure the soft rock dou's lyrical intention and my interpretation differ, that chorus really struck me about my recent attitude.

i tend to think in terms of events. i don't think so much in months, but in what events are coming up ... this birthday, that concert, this holiday, yada, yada. my summer was perfect for that: west virgina, then july 4th, then washington, then uganda mailing, then 30th birthday. i never realized having something to plan for/look forward to was so important to me. pretty much until ... there was nothing happening! it's funny how i thrive and feel close to God in times of joy and even in times of heartache, but when life is at a stalemate, that's when i can be in the biggest funk and feel so far from joy/life/whathaveyou. i long for some "highs" and even reach for those "lows" (see above). sometimes the silence is too much.

the biggest wad on my plate right now is my upcoming rafiki mission. the thing is, i'm not actually doing anything. (which is quite unnerving for me.) i wait. i wait for donations to come in ... i wait for rafiki staff to respond to my emails ... i wait on God to show me my next move. these days i'm not waiting very patiently. one of my many swan songs is waiting for my real life to begin by colin hay and it talks about "any minute now my ship is coming in" and i would think ... "that's right, one day my ship will come in and things won't be perfect, but it'll be darn close. amen. i'm waiting for my real life ... waiting. juuuust waiting. i'll go to uganda and really find out who i am and where i want to be and get the retreat i need and come back refreshed with purpose having served others. ok. i'll just wait for it."

that's great colin hay, but what am i supposed to do in the meantime, mate? (that's how i would say it. he's australian.) put things on hold until then? miss opportunities and blessings happening now because i'm so focused on waiting? NO. that's dumb. and thanks to air supply and a swift kick in the conscience i'm going to try to seize each day ... good and bad. to realize that this time, this humdrum noneventful season in my life, is just as important as any other. to stop "waiting on my real life to begin" and to understand that i'm in the thick of it now, mucky or not ... even if i have to start over and over and over again. to make some kinda love out of nothing at all.


"give us this day our DAILY bread"

step #2: educate

movies. i love them. and thanks to an awesome birthday present from my best friend, i'll be drowning in them for the next four months. (netflix is the best thing since twist-off yoo-hoo tops.) if i'm not at work or sleeping, i'm watching a movie. on the weekend, you can find me under a pile of red dvd mailers and peking wok boxes.

there have been several motion pictures and documentaries made about/set in africa, its struggles and its survival. here are a few that i highly recommend:

1. invisible children (2004) - "hip" doc about the plight of child soldiers and night commuters in northern uganda. another IC doc called "go" comes out fall 2008.

2. ithuteng: never stop learning (2005) - doc about the ithuteng trust school in south africa.

3. god grew tired of us (2006) - pitt/jolie doc about the "lost boys" of sudan and their experience moving to america. quite a mirror for america.

4. angels in the dust (2007) - doc about the cloete family who started an orphanage in south africa. marion cloete is my hero.



5. hotel rwanda (2004)

6. a dry white season (1989)

7. duma (2005) - true story based on the book "how it was with dooms" about a south african family that sort of adopts a cheetah. more lighthearted than the others. the book was dictated by the young son ... good for older kids.

was that a mctwist?

LET THE FUN(draising) BEGiN

i need your stuff

hey gang. one of my fundraising projects for my Rafiki mission is a good old fashioned yard sale ... err, garage sale ... whatever. now's the time to go through those closest and get rid of all that stuff you've been meaning (or needing) to move out. get your stuff together and i will arrange a pick-up. (no clothes, please, except "nicer" dresses and coats.)

we hope to have the sale in early september.

thanks! i'll let you decide on what to call it.

a sense of destination and the energy to get started

WHO: me
WHAT: rafiki foundation mission
WHEN: 01.03.09 - 04.01.09
WHERE: kampala, uganda
WHY: because when i think about going, colors get brighter and i can't catch my breath.

"and when we obey him, every path he guides us on is fragrant with his lovingkindness and his truth."
- psalm 25:10

it's unofficially official

well, today was a big day. with the blessing and approval of my family, the organization i'll be working with and, as of today, my employer, i am unofficially officially starting the process for a (mini) mission in africa in the coming months. perhaps i should get you up to speed ...

in january of this year, a package arrived for me care of my parent's address. neither my parents nor i had ever heard of the sender. thinking it was just junk mail, i told my mom to toss it, but curiosity (huh, curiosity) got the best of her and she opened it. it was an application and information for the rafiki foundation, a non-profit organization whose purpose is to "turn helpless orphans in Africa into godly contributors in their country." rafiki has ten locations throughout africa, called training villages, that are essentially living and educational facilities for the orphans in the program. (i already have a pretty sweet bond with the people in africa.)

in the months prior to the arrival of this mystery package, i had been desperately searching to find God's plan for my life and where i needed to be. the norm around me was wedding-house-kids-wedding-house-kids and no matter how much i tried to make that my own, deep-down inside it did not feel right and there was a wall preventing my mind to wrap around the thought of a white picket fence and baby strollers. (not that there's anything wrong with that, or that i'll never have it ... let's stay on topic.) unbenounced to anyone, i even began researching different organizations to possibly return to africa for mission work. none of the programs seemed to fit and another door closes. enter ... rafiki.

i was immediately impressed with the rafiki foundation. it seemed to be a perfect fit for what i was looking for. needless to say, i completed the ever so extensive application ... and waited. i thought, if nothing else comes of this, just the experience has awakened something inside me to get out there and "do work." :) within a few weeks i received an invitation to attend a training conference with rafiki at their home office in florida. there i asked questions and got excited and got discouraged and excited again. it's like i wasn't meant to do anything else ... so begins the process of a new mission with rafiki!

some people have asked "why africa?" why go to africa when there is so much need in our own country? that's a difficult question to answer. yes, there is so much need in the states, and my answer has always been, "well, while i'm over there, you could get things going here." thinking about it lately, it's so much more than an obligation to a country, to ours or to africa, which has become a popular stop for many of our celebrity philanthropists. believe me, i didn't pick africa ... africa picked me. not everyone's destiny is to work with orphans in africa. to be quite honest, i don't even think it's my "destiny" ... but it is undoubtedly part of my journey. and there's a reason behind it that you and i may never understand in this lifetime. but that force behind it (and me) is unmistakable.

stay tuned ...